Well, COURTNEY SMITH IS THE BIGGEST FREAKIN OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE LIAR I KNOW! Damnit her, wtf does she think she's pulling over me? I wonder if she knew the hints I was giving her to fess up to me that she's the one that told on me. Look at the maturity level here! Good Lord, I know she's the one who told my life story to her Dad.. and only the bad shit. Shit I didn't do anymore.. she's the reason my mum doesn't trust me anymore! I was put on freakin' "house arrest".. confined to my room for the day! Maybe not for long, but I was. What's worse is not being able to do anything without questions. Also, telling her Dad I tried to make her do things she didn't want to do? WTF?! I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies.. she said "No, my dad isn't here" I said.. "Well he doesn't need to know, HAHAHA.. nah.. Ok, talk to you later. Maybe another time" OK YES! I AM SUCH THE FREAKIN MANIPULATOR! I'm not the one who lied to her Dad about a FREAKIN 22 YEAR OLD MAN SHE WAS TALKING TO ON THE DAMN PHONE! GAHH.. LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES... Courtney you bitch, I thought we were going to stay friends for a lot longer than this. I was waiting for you to tell me for what? 2 freaking months? I would have forgave you.. but when I finally told you I knew.. YOU TOTALLY SHUNNED ME! YOU LIED TO ME, FLAT OUT LIED TO ME WHEN I KNOW THE TRUTH! How freaking stupid do you think I am?! Whatever, I'm done.. go crawl back up in Stephanies ass.. and leave me the fork alone.

Well, today was quite the day. I woke up off and on from noon to 4.. Sounds fun doesn't it? Stupid jackass step-dad got my chicken nuggets from McDonalds to try and be funny.. I didn't think it was too funny myself....

What is wrong with the world these days? Why is there pain and hurt beyond recognition? It's so sad.. I don't know what to do anymore. I've wanted to leave so many times but.. I just don't know anymore.. Oh well

Yesterday I went to my friend Courtney's birthday party.. I left at 6 and went home.. I went straight to bed.. I wasn't feeling good at all! I woke up late today 'cuz I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing anything.. and I did.. nothing, lol I feel a LOT better and just sat around I guess watching movies. Uh, yes.. well that's about it.. Later on

Well nothing really went on today.. I spent most of the time sleeping and whatnot.. After all my sleeping, got ready and went to a Bible study.. didn't get home until like 1230..So that's about it.. this is just a waste of an entry.. Boredom overcomes. Well I'm done.. Later on

Well today I slept in late.. don't know how late.. maybe like 4-5, I don't remember.. I laid around, got online, and went to the movies. I saw 13 Going on 30 for like the 3rd time, lol.. I was forced! Whatever though.. got home, but then left quickly to go to the store. It was my shopping day.. new supplements, new shampoo, my food ( Parents and sister aren't vegan ) Cool thing though.. my mum is on the Adkins and she's not allowed to have milk.. so she buys soy.. I'm like.. Yay! Well, Bryan was being a dick about it.. "Want a hotdog? Oh wait.." "Want to go to KFC? Oh oops! SORRY" But he's not sorry the asshole. Oh well, Got home and I'm doing nothing, well, except this. Ok Later on

Good Lord am I in a peachy mood.. *rolls her eyes* I'm kinda mad for some reason.. just out of no where... wait, I'm not mad. I don't know.. well I slept until 4 today and got to talk to my friend Robby. That was skawesome because I haven't talked to him in awhile.. Um, afterwards I had to go 'cuz I was supposed to go to church. My friend Mitch came with me and oh man he said the funniest thing ever. About over half of the people in my youth group skates ok? Well, we had to go around saying our names, where we go to school, and interests.. It comes to Mitch and the (I don't know her name, but she was teh teacher for the day so I'll call her.. Mandy) "teacher" Mandy said "Ok, your turn" So Mitch says "My name is Mitch, I'm from Canal and I used to skate but I quit, and I play guitar now." So Mandy says "Why did you quit?" And everyone wasn't really paying attention and there was like 4 or 5 different conversations going on and Mitch says "I dunno, it got kinda boring" Right when he said that.. Everyone got sooo quiet. The most awkward moment ever, lol.. then all of a sudden EVERYONE starts to talk in a jumble.. Wren said "New little kid is getting killed after service!" It was so funny... then it was my friend Dereks turn. "My name is Derek and I'm from Teays and I skate." Mandy says "Play any instruments?" Derek says "No.. instruments are BORING" Then everyone was like "OHHHHHH!" and my friend Wren said "BURRRRNNN" Poor poor Mitch.. later he said "I can't believe I said that, it's like blasphemy.. skating is their god" Haha.. It was funny though.. It was skawesome.. we went to Wendys and got food.. then McDonalds. I just got fries because Jenni is vegan.. which is me, lol Yeah, then dropped him off and went home. It took me forever to fix my damn computer I swear.. well I have it workin now.. obviously. Well I'm gonna go now.. Later on

Well I guess I feel better from last night.. I don't have the urge to kill myself anymore. I woke up late and my friend Logan came over.. we hung out and watched movies and then went to church.. That was kinda interesting. Came home and started to watch another movie.. but then we had to drop him off. So I came home and Im doing this. I gave what I owed him though, ha. Anyway, I'm going to go write. You all know what that means. *rolls eyes* Later on

Well my favorite quote explains it all. I feel so sick.. I'm tired of everything. The knife that slides across my wrist isn't doing it.. I just want to leave. I don't know what to do.. My mom told me horrible things tonight.. I am so depressed. I wish everything was normal like it never was. The blood stained knife that stares at me for hours on so many nights kills me inch by inch. Each time I look at it, I die a little more. What else to do with myself but stare at that night? Cry until there are no more tears left? I have wept so many hours.. so many days, but what good is there? My emotions have run away from me.. It has drug me along that dusty road, hitting rocks along the way. My head lie there cracked, bleeding,.. then I realize. I have done this to myself. My bleeding skull caused from those glances past that knife, past my death. I am no longer needed...

Well I just got home from a concert.. I'm kinda pissed 'cuz my friend Jackie was supposed to be at my house at err... 6ish? Yeah.. 6ish.. but she wasn't. 7 rolls around so my friend Wren called and asked if I just wanted to ride with him.. I was supposed to meet him there anyway. So I was like.. sure. Well we get there and stuff and the first band was.. ehhh, ok. Not my style of music.. It kinda sounded like Blues and Punk together, it was weird, lol. The band was The Working Title.. then the next band totally kicked ass. They were The Noise Ratchet.. they rocked out. Then next was MeWithOut you.. Wren likes that band a lot but didn't go in the crowd 'cuz he didn't feel too good. Awww... But they totally kicked ass. Yeah.. when we got in the car I saw the time and was like OH SHIT!! It was like 1230.. we were on OSU campus and it would take about a half an hour or so to get back to my house 'cuz there was fuckin' traffic for some reason. Anyway, I got in the door at 1am and tried going up the stairs carefuullllyyy... Yeah, I see how much that worked out. My mum was sooooooooooo pissed. Oh well.. today was shitty before the concert but now I'm like woah doggy. I love concerts, they always pick up my day. I got a new shirt, 3 pins, and a couple stickers! Yay for me! W00t! Yeah, I'm done... Later on

Well I have a feeling that this post will be quite extensive. I was gone for a week.. obviously. I forgot that I was leaving last Saturday and I didn't get to say bye to everyone! Well I went to Faith Ranch to train and ride horseys! Lol.. It was good fun.. especially making fun of one of the counselors there... he is 28 and is already bald. His nickname was Sir Rogaine Failure Baldwin or Baldwin for short. Met up with Fred there and chilled.. hee hee. Our room did sumo wrestling around 11pm and running through the kitchen downstairs. Good Lord that was funny.. anyway.. I got back yesterday then headed over to my friend Rachels. We hung out with David and played music.. David scares me sometimes.. well, most of the time. Weird guy he is.. afterwards, went to Taco Bell then Wally World a.k.a. Walmart. Me and Rachel almost got kicked out, haha. She was in the cart and I was speeding her down the isles but we almost killed a kid. He just appeared out of nowhere! I couldn't stop! AHHH! Sorry.. Well anyway, I couldn't stop the cart so I turned sharply and we ran into a clothes rack. *Ouch* Yeah, well I guess my feeling was wrong.. it's not THAT long. Well, I'm going... Later on

Well "yesterday" was interesting. Did Kristen ever piss me off... couple days ago I told her that if she came over, she'd have to leave before 5 because I had plans. The deal was, We pick her up, she gets a ride home from her mom... before 5. Well, they were unable to make it I guess which fucked up my plans. I was supposed to go to the fair with some friends and then stay the night at a friends (which by the way I haven't seen in a LONG while) So I had to stay home and forget my plans. Well, the next night (which was "yesterday") she was supposed to leave at noon. Did it happen? No, no it didn't. I was supposed to leave to do things before my audition. Well 230 comes around and her Dad still isn't there. I wasn't allowed to take her with me unless she played an instrument or sung which she does neither. She wanted to stay home... alone.. at my house. Hell no.. sorry to Kristen, but she has stole from people previously and I don't really trust her in my house.. alone. Anyway, it is now 330 and her Dad finally comes. Which makes Bryan late to his lessons.. I don't give a fuck about that, but I had to be at my auditions and we still had to run some erronds! Grr.. well, I got at my audition and I think it went pretty well. We all played at the service that same night so I think we all are in. Wow, yay for me. It's kinda boring up there, all I play is the same thing over. I'm used to playing fast hard-core punk melodic shit and this was.. dun....dun dun....dun. How fun is that! I jsut so wanted to spice it up a bit, but I didn't want to get in trouble, lol Um, I got home around 10ish and went upstairs to play some bass. I fell asleep...WOW... around 1030. Amazing.. but the shitty part is that I woke up around err 330. Got on the computer and started up the internet. I layed down while it was dialing and wouldn't you guess... I fell asleep. But then I awoke again an hour later.. 430 and stayed awake, lol. I have been up ever since and it is what.. 6 now? Oh well.. Later on

Well today was.. interesting. I finally got some sleep and guess what... woke up around 4. Anyway, I wasn't feelin' too hot because.. well, I don't know exactyl. I did have the best fight of my life though with this girl named Hannah. It was some funny shit.. Well, later on that night I was feeling really lonely and worthless.. I'm not worth much any other day, it was just that today was.. individually special. One of my friends got hurt really bad today.. I felt so horrid. I wish there would have been something I could have done.. but me already be depressed isn't much of a good thing. Even if I wasn't depressed I still wouldn't have been much of a help. I'm just a stupid bum.. oh well. Hum.. auditions are tomorrow and I still don't know what to play. I am a shit head of a player. Today someone told me that I write on my journal about how depressed I am and the only reason why is because I want attention and for people to feel sorry for me. Let me get one thing straight, when I feel like shit, I vent through my writing. I'll write in this gay ass journal, then go write poetry, songs, whatever. In no way am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm not the only depressed piece of shit out in the world.. So I wouldn't expect people to say "Oh I am so sorry you feel this way, maybe you need help. Pychociatrist would help a lot. (Yes I know I put Psychociatrist)" I hate when people do that. I don't need their gay ass advice on my depression problem because they all say the same thing. Psychociatrist, and medication. Well anyway, fuck that. I'm done writing. Later on

Well today was interesting. I went to sleep early for once! Last night I went to sleep around 1.. ain't that amazing! I slept until 4.. how I usually do. My internal clock in my brain tells me to wake up at 4 in the afternoon.. everyday. Weird.. Um, Then I did aboslutely nothing. I felt really sad and depressed.. as always.. but I got my mind off of things. My friend Kristen is over.. I haven't seen her in about a year. We're just chillin and such. ---I really hope my friend gets better. I really feel awful.. he's better though and I'm glad I could help. Well I'm off to go do something.. anything. Later on

Well, I didn't go to sleep last night.. I was up around 6 to 8 fixing my room up.. Around 5ish I started to get really sick. I went to bed and woke up maybe around 9.. still sick. I also found out after this time that I'm not the only one who wants me dead. I asked Bryan to print the tabs off to a song I have been learning.. he threw a fit but finally agreed. He wasked me to get the paper and I got it for him but he was having problems trying to open the plastic. I said.. "Having troubles?" He goes.. "YEAH! I need a knife... to slit your throat with." And at that time... I'm the one who wanted the knife. I just want to get away from it all...

I also feel really terrible because a REALLY good friend of mine isn't feeling the greatest. I feel so bad for him.. I just want him to be happy. Now I know why people get mad at me for saying the things I do about myself..I wish he knew how much he was cared for...

Well, I'm gonna go sulk in a corner.. Later on

DAMNIT, this is like the 6th fuckin' time I have to retype something. I write long ass paragraphs, I post it, and it doens't work 'cuz the fuckin' HTML shit. Anyway, to make it short, I went to my friend Katies and practiced for a couple hours, then went to the fair/fireworks. It sucked 'cuz I lost one of my 40 dollar plugs. But then I made for it by spitting in some guys face. Um, I got sick from all the spinning, saw the badass fireworks then came home to Byran being a dick to me. That pretty much sums it up.. overall it was good. But now I feel kinda sick and pissed off... Bryan always ruins everything..